Kitija Ozolina · Awareness Mentor for Mothers
A small check-in for the days when your reactions don’t feel like you
Sometimes you hear yourself answer your child and think:
“That came out differently from how I wanted.”
Perhaps you sound sharper than you meant to.
Or you say yes because you cannot manage another argument.
Or you step in before your child has had a chance to try.
Or today you have enough patience to listen, think, and answer clearly.
You can respond differently from one day to the next.
Even from one hour to the next.
This is not a test of whether you are a good mother.
It is a chance to notice what is happening before you respond.
For this guide, we will use four simple names:
Survival.
Worry.
Guilt.
Connection.
These are not diagnoses or fixed types of mother.
They are just ways to describe some of the feelings that might be influencing you today.
You may recognize more than one.
You may not fit neatly into any of them.
That is okay.
Think about today, or one recent difficult day.
Choose the answer that comes closest.
Not the one that sounds best.
Not the one that sounds worst.
Just the one that fits.
There is no score and nothing to pass.
You may want to choose several answers here.
Your circumstances do not always fit into one box.
Look for an answer or a pattern that stood out.
You don’t need to decide which mode you are “in” for the whole day.
It may be more useful to say:
“I noticed worry when my child asked for more freedom.”
Or:
“I noticed guilt when I tried to say no.”
That gives you a specific moment to work with.
Perhaps you have been getting through one task after another.
Feeding everyone.
Answering questions.
Finding shoes.
Managing work, messages, appointments, and arguments.
You care.
But caring does not create extra hours or another pair of hands.
Before you tell yourself to try harder, ask:
“What is making today so difficult?”
Then:
“What could be shared, delayed, simplified, or left?”
Perhaps dinner can be easier.
Someone else can handle bedtime.
Or you need to tell another adult plainly:
“I am struggling. I need you to take over this part.”
You still have responsibility for how you treat your child.
But your plan can include changing the load. Not only asking yourself for more patience.
Choose one task you do not have to carry in the same way today.
Make the change specific.
Not “I need more support.”
“I need you to handle the school collection tomorrow.”
Perhaps your mind keeps moving ahead.
What if they get hurt?
What if they fall behind?
What if this behavior becomes a bigger problem?
Some worries point to something that needs attention.
Others keep asking for certainty that no parent can fully have.
Try separating the two:
“What is happening now?”
“What am I afraid might happen?”
“Is there a useful step I can take?”
This distinction can help you respond to a real problem without treating every possible outcome as something you must prevent.
Write down one worry.
Then write one reasonable action, if there is one.
You do not need to solve every possible version of the future today.
Perhaps your child’s disappointment quickly becomes a judgment about you.
“They are upset. I must have done something wrong.”
Sometimes guilt points to something you need to put right.
You shouted.
You broke a promise.
You dismissed something important.
Then you can take responsibility.
But sometimes your child is simply unhappy with a reasonable decision.
They wanted another show.
You said it was time to leave.
They wanted something you could not buy.
Before you change the answer, ask:
“Did I do something I need to repair?”
“Or is this a difficult feeling we can get through without changing the boundary?”
Those are different situations.
If the boundary is reasonable, use one kind sentence.
“I know you wanted a different answer. We are still not buying it today.”
You do not need to turn their disappointment into proof that you have failed.
Perhaps today you have been able to pause.
Listen.
Set a limit without adding a threat.
Notice when your child needs help.
That does not mean every moment has gone well.
It means there have been moments when you could choose your response more clearly.
Ask yourself what helped.
Was there less rushing?
Did someone share the work?
Did you have a plan for a situation that is usually difficult?
Did you pause before answering?
Notice those things.
Not so you can demand that every day feels the same.
So you know what is worth protecting or repeating.
Finish this sentence:
“It was easier to respond the way I wanted when…”
Your answer may show you something useful.
You don’t need to identify a mode while someone is crying and the dinner is burning.
Keep it smaller.
When it is safe to pause, ask:
“What is happening here?”
“What am I feeling?”
“What does my child need? And what do I need to handle this well?”
Then choose the next useful action.
It might be a clear boundary.
An apology.
A little help getting started.
A pause before you speak.
Or asking another adult to take over.
You may recognize yourself in all four patterns.
You may feel connected in the morning and completely worn out by evening.
This check-in is not here to name the kind of mother you are.
It is here to help you notice a moment before you repeat a response you do not want.
Understanding the moment does not remove responsibility.
It gives you somewhere to begin.
In my parenting manual, I look at the situations behind these moments.
When children will not listen.
When you snap.
When a boundary becomes an argument.
When you need to repair.
And when the usual advice does not seem to work.
You can turn to the chapter that fits what is happening in your home.
For today, start with one question:
“What would help me respond more clearly in the next difficult moment?”
With love, Kitija 🤍
The book is not on sale yet. You can read a free part of it now.
Read a free part →