Kitija Ozolina · Awareness Mentor for Mothers

What It Means to Reparent Yourself (And Where to Start)

You can love your parents, understand their struggles, and still recognize that some things you needed were missing.

Maybe you learned to keep your feelings to yourself.

Maybe you became the responsible one who never asked for much.

Maybe you still feel guilty when you rest, struggle to ask for help, or speak to yourself in a way you would never speak to your child.

Have you ever wondered why?

Sometimes, the way we treat ourselves today is connected to what we learned about ourselves when we were younger.

Not always. And not everything comes from childhood.

But it can be worth looking at.

This is where reparenting comes in.

It’s a way of learning to respond to yourself with more understanding, care and consistency, especially in moments when you would normally criticize yourself, ignore your needs or expect yourself to manage everything alone.

You don’t have to become a different person.

You can start by changing the way you treat yourself in small, ordinary moments.

What does reparenting actually mean?

Think about a child who has had a difficult day.

She makes a mistake, starts crying and says, “I’m so stupid.”

You probably wouldn’t want to tell her that she’s right.

You might sit beside her and say, “You made a mistake. That doesn’t make you stupid. Let’s see what happened.”

You would help her understand what she feels without making her feel worse for feeling it.

Now think about how you speak to yourself when you make a mistake.

Do you offer yourself the same understanding?

Or do you immediately start telling yourself everything you did wrong?

Many of us find it easier to be patient with other people than with ourselves.

Reparenting is about practicing a different response.

It doesn’t mean pretending the past didn’t happen, blaming your parents for everything, or treating yourself as if you can never be wrong.

It means learning to recognize your needs and respond to them in a healthier way.

Here are four areas where you can begin.

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Safety: Learning That Your Feelings Are Allowed

Perhaps, when you were growing up, expressing certain feelings made things harder.

Maybe you were told not to cry, accused of being too sensitive or expected to behave as though nothing had happened.

Or perhaps the adults around you were dealing with so much themselves that there wasn’t much room for your feelings.

Everyone’s experience is different.

But if you learned that certain emotions were unwelcome, you might still find yourself trying to push them away.

You feel hurt, then tell yourself you’re being dramatic.

You feel angry, then feel guilty for being angry.

You feel overwhelmed, but keep going because you think you should be able to handle everything.

And sometimes, you don’t even stop to ask yourself what you feel.

You simply carry on.

Where to start

The next time something feels difficult, pause for a moment.

Instead of immediately telling yourself to calm down, ask:

“What am I feeling right now?”

You might feel disappointed, frustrated, lonely, worried or simply exhausted.

You don’t have to justify the feeling or act on it immediately.

You can acknowledge it without allowing it to make every decision for you.

For example, you can feel angry with your child and still choose not to shout.

You can feel disappointed in your partner and still speak respectfully.

And you can admit that something is difficult without deciding that you are weak for struggling with it.

Your feelings are information about your experience. They are not, by themselves, proof that your interpretation of a situation is correct.

You can listen to them and still decide how you want to respond.

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Validation: Learning to Take Your Own Experience Seriously

Have you ever told yourself that you shouldn’t feel upset because someone else has it worse?

Or that you have no right to complain because you chose your life?

Perhaps you have a family you love, a home, healthy children and things to be grateful for.

Yet you still feel exhausted.

And then you feel guilty for being exhausted.

You tell yourself that other mothers manage. That you should be more patient. That you shouldn’t need so much time for yourself.

But gratitude and exhaustion can exist together.

You can love your children and need a break.

You can appreciate your partner and still need more support.

You can be grateful for your life and acknowledge that some parts of it are difficult.

One feeling doesn’t cancel out the other.

Where to start

When you catch yourself dismissing your feelings, try saying:

“I can appreciate what I have and still acknowledge what is difficult for me.”

Then ask yourself:

“What would help me right now?”

Perhaps you need ten quiet minutes.

Perhaps you need to ask your partner to take over something.

Perhaps you need to admit that you are disappointed instead of pretending you aren’t.

You don’t have to turn every feeling into a problem that needs solving.

Sometimes, the first step is simply to stop arguing with yourself about whether you are allowed to feel it.

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Consistency: Learning to Trust Yourself

Do you make promises to yourself that you repeatedly break?

You say you’ll rest when everything is done.

You’ll stop saying yes when you really mean no.

You’ll make time for yourself next week.

You’ll ask for help next time instead of trying to manage everything alone.

Then life gets busy, someone needs something, and your own plans disappear again.

Eventually, you might stop trusting yourself to follow through.

Not because you don’t care about yourself, but because you have become accustomed to putting your needs last.

Reparenting can include learning to become more consistent with yourself.

Not perfectly.

Not by creating another long list of things you must do.

By starting with small promises that fit your actual life.

Where to start

Choose one small thing you can realistically do for yourself today.

It could be stepping outside for five minutes.

It could be eating lunch without doing three other things at the same time.

It could be asking for help with one task.

It could be going to bed instead of staying up to finish something that can wait.

Choose something small enough that you don’t need a perfect day to do it.

Then try to follow through.

If you cannot, don’t use that as another reason to criticize yourself.

Look at what got in the way and adjust your plan.

The goal isn’t to prove that you can do everything you promise.

It’s to practice treating your own needs as something worth considering.

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Comfort: Learning Not to Abandon Yourself When Things Get Difficult

Imagine your child comes to you after making a mistake.

They’re embarrassed, upset and afraid you’ve lost respect for them.

Would you tell them that they should have known better and leave them to deal with it alone?

Or would you try to help them understand what happened while reminding them that one mistake doesn’t define them?

Now think about what happens when you make a mistake.

Perhaps you replay it for hours.

You call yourself careless.

You tell yourself you should know better by now.

You turn one difficult moment into a judgment about the kind of person you are.

This can happen especially easily in motherhood.

You lose your patience, and suddenly you’re thinking, “I’m just like my mother.”

Or you have a difficult day with your children and go to bed convinced you’re failing them.

But making a mistake and being a failure are not the same thing.

You can take responsibility for something you did without attacking yourself as a person.

You can apologize to your child and think about what you want to do differently next time.

You can acknowledge that you handled something badly without deciding that you are a bad mother.

Where to start

When you catch yourself being harsh, ask:

“What would I say to someone I love if they were in this situation?”

You don’t have to use exactly the same words.

Just notice whether you are offering yourself any of the understanding you would naturally offer another person.

You might say:

“That was a difficult moment. I didn’t handle it the way I wanted to. I can take responsibility and try again.”

This isn’t about making excuses.

It’s about making room for both responsibility and self-respect.

You are allowed to learn without humiliating yourself along the way.

Five Small Ways to Begin Today

You don’t need to change everything at once.

Start with one of these.

  1. 1. When you make a mistake, pause before criticizing yourself.

    Notice what you are saying internally. Ask whether your words are helping you understand what happened or simply making you feel worse.

  2. 2. When you feel overwhelmed, acknowledge it.

    Try saying, “I’m overwhelmed right now.” Then consider whether you need a pause, practical help or a smaller plan.

  3. 3. Keep one small promise to yourself.

    Choose something realistic and manageable. Let it be an act of care, not another test you have to pass.

  4. 4. Give yourself the understanding you would offer a friend.

    Imagine someone you love telling you the same story you are telling yourself. Notice whether you would judge them as harshly.

  5. 5. Consider rest before everything is finished.

    There will often be another task waiting. You can still recognize that you are tired and decide that a little rest matters.

You don’t have to earn every moment of care by first completing everything for everyone else.

A Small Exercise: What Do I Need Right Now?

This is something you can return to whenever you notice yourself falling into an old reaction.

Think about a recent moment when you felt upset, guilty, anxious or frustrated.

Perhaps you lost your patience with your child.

Perhaps you wanted to say no but agreed anyway.

Perhaps you needed help but told everyone you were fine.

Now ask yourself four questions.

  1. 1. What happened?

    Describe the situation without turning it into a judgment about yourself.

    For example: “My child kept asking me for something when I was already exhausted.”

  2. 2. What did I feel?

    Maybe you felt frustrated, guilty, ignored, anxious or overwhelmed.

    Try to name the feeling without telling yourself what you should have felt instead.

  3. 3. What did I need?

    Perhaps you needed a few minutes alone, practical help, reassurance, a clearer boundary or simply a chance to finish one thing before starting another.

    You might not know the answer immediately. That’s fine.

  4. 4. What can I do now?

    Choose one realistic response.

    Maybe you can ask for help.

    Maybe you can apologize for the way you spoke while keeping the boundary you needed.

    Maybe you can take a short break.

    Maybe the situation cannot be changed today, but you can stop criticizing yourself for finding it difficult.

You don’t need a perfect answer.

The purpose is to practice noticing yourself instead of automatically moving on to everyone else’s needs.

You Don’t Have to Get This Right Every Time

I want to say something important here.

You may understand these ideas and still find yourself reacting in familiar ways.

You may promise yourself that you will stay patient with your children and then lose your temper on a difficult afternoon.

You may recognize that you need rest and still feel guilty when you take it.

You may know that you need help and still struggle to ask for it.

That doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

Change often involves noticing a pattern, trying something different, slipping into the old response and trying again.

And sometimes, understanding yourself means recognizing that you need more support than a few exercises can provide.

You don’t have to work through everything alone.

I’m still learning this myself.

I still have moments when I react in ways I wish I hadn’t. I still notice things about myself that I didn’t understand before.

For me, the important part is learning to notice what happened, take responsibility where I need to, and give myself the opportunity to respond differently next time.

Not because I have everything figured out.

Because I don’t want every familiar reaction to make my decisions for me.

And perhaps that’s a good place for you to begin, too.

Not with the pressure to become a completely different woman.

With a little more understanding of the woman you already are.

Before you leave, ask yourself one question:

What is one thing you needed more of when you were younger that you could begin giving yourself today?

You don’t need to solve your whole past to take one small step in the present.

With love,
Kitija 🤍